When I Look At You
by phoenixqueen
Summary: Vanyel talks about his past love with Stefen, and Stefen composes a song for Vanyel


When I Look At You

Disclaimer:  None of the characters in this story belong to me.  They are all the creations of Mercedes Lackey.  The song "When I Look At You" belongs to the creator of the Broadway musical the Scarlet Pimpernel.  Please do not sue me!

Summery:  On Sovvan-night, Vanyel reflects on his lost love, and his new love Stefen.

Time Frame:  During Magic's Price, where Vanyel and Stefen are at Forst Reach.

Author's Notes:  I was listening to Linda Eder's version of this sad love song, and realized that it described Vanyel's feelings for Tylendel perfectly in my opinion.  I decided to put this opinion down into words, and thus was born this fanfiction.

I also apologize in advance for the length of this story, but I was trying to put Vanyel and Tylendel's story into as few words as possible, while still conveying all that had happened between them.  Please bear with me if you have already read Magic's Pawn!

The sun sank below the treetops surrounding the house at Forst Reach.  It was Sovvan-night, the time for reflecting on lost friends of the previous years.  Vanyel Ashkevron stood on the walk, a small balcony on the north side of the house.  He had chosen to be alone tonight. Sovvan was a painful time of the year for him, although it had become less so over the last few years.  On this night, almost 20 years ago, Vanyel's lover, and life-mate, Tylendel had committed suicide before Vanyel's eyes.  Even though the years had eased the pain, they could never erase the memory of that horrible night, and the beginning of Vanyel's new life.

Head bowed, Vanyel sank into his memories, trying to think of the happiness that he and Tylendel had shared, and avoid reliving Tylendel's death for the umpteenth time.  Vanyel's black hair, streaked with premature silver, shone in the fading light.  /'Lendel, I miss you so much.  It's so hard to avoid thinking about our last night together.  Did I do the right thing?  Should I have stopped you?  I just don't know any more. / 

Vanyel looked at the orchard beneath the walk, and saw his new lover Stefen walking with Yfandes, Vanyel's Companion.  Vanyel was glad that Yfandes liked the younger man; otherwise he might have had trouble.  Yfandes was the other half of him sometimes.  She had come into his life the same night that Tylendel died, and had saved Vanyel's life that night.  They had been together ever since, and rarely argued about anything.  Vanyel was thankful for that.

Down in the orchard, Stefen and Yfandes were indeed walking in silence.  They were unable to communicate the way that Yfandes and Vanyel did, because Stefen had no Mindspeaking ability, and Yfandes only spoke to Vanyel and the other Companions.   Stefen didn't really mind though.  Yfandes' presence was soothing enough to the Bard.

As they passed a balcony, Yfandes suddenly raised her head and looked towards the house.  Stefen followed her gaze and saw Vanyel leaning on the railing.  He waved and Vanyel nodded in acknowledgement, before stepping away from the railing and vanishing from sight.  Stefen continued to stare after him, when the sound of hooves caught his attention.  He turned back towards Yfandes and saw Herald-Mage Savil Ashkevron and her Companion Kellan moving towards them.  Stefen moved to meet them, Yfandes following him.  Savil was Vanyel's aunt, and one of the most powerful of the Herald-Mages.  She was nearing eighty, and moved much more carefully than she had when she was younger, but her ability to use magic had not diminished at all.

"Hello, Savil."  Stefen said as he and Yfandes came up to her.  "How are you and Kellan doing this evening?"

Savil smiled at the young Bard.  She liked Stefen very much, and was glad that Vanyel had finally accepted him as more than a friend.  "I am very well this evening, Stefen.  Kellan and I were taking a stroll.  I see that you and Yfandes were doing the same?"  She raised an eyebrow curiously.

"Indeed, Savil.  Vanyel said after dinner that he wanted to be alone tonight, so I came down to see if 'Fandes was interested in a walk.  She was, so we have been walking for the better part of a candlemark.  I must admit, I don't know why Vanyel is so melancholy tonight."

Savil seemed surprised.  "Don't you know what tonight is, boy?  It's Sovvan-night, the time for mourning lost friends."

Now Stefen was surprised.  "Is it really?  I lost track of the day during that incident with Vanyel and the leech-blade.  Now that you mention it, I did know that.  Who is Vanyel mourning?  He hasn't told me of anyone that was particularly important to him that died in the last year."

"That is because he mourns for a long-lost friend."  Savil had a look of sadness in her eyes.  "Vanyel mourns for Tylendel, his first friend when he arrived in my care.  Tylendel was my best protégé at the time, and he and Vanyel didn't hit it off at first, but they finally connected and became lovers.  Tylendel was the one that helped Van realize that he was shaych.  Tylendel died 17 years ago tonight, and Van has never really gotten over the loss."  Savil sighed.  "Stefen, it isn't really my place to tell you the whole story.  If anyone should tell you, it's Van.  Why don't you go ask him?"

"Are you sure, Savil?  He wanted to be alone tonight.  I don't want to make him mad."  Stefen sounded uncertain.  His status as Vanyel's lover was still very new, and he didn't want to hurt Vanyel at all.

"I'm sure lad.  In fact, once you get him to actually start talking about it, I am sure that he will welcome your company.  To get to that balcony, just go through the linen closet on the third floor.  There is a door there that is the only access to the walk.  It is really a stupid way to get there, but unfortunately that is the way it is."

Stefen looked at Yfandes, to see what she thought.  She knew Vanyel better than anyone, and if she agreed with Savil, then he would see what Vanyel was up to.  Her beautiful sapphire eyes met his squarely, and she nodded her head.  Stefen nodded back, and as he turned away from them, he murmured under his breath, "I hope you are right, or Vanyel will have my head."

Vanyel turned away from the view of the setting sun, and contemplated the wall of the house.  Tonight would be a very long night.  Every Sovvan was the same, a night of mourning, and remembering.  Sovvan was his least favorite night of the year, and he usually tried to keep himself busy by swapping duties with someone for the night.  Otherwise he got too caught up in his memories.

Walking over to one of the comfortable chairs along the walk, he picked up his gittern, and began to tune the instrument.  His hands moved through the long familiar exercise without him even realizing what he was doing.  Once the instrument was nicely tuned, Vanyel's hands moved of their own will, dancing across the strings, and he picked out the beginnings of a sad melody, one that was not part of any song that he knew.  Then slowly, he began to hum along with the melody of the song.  The metal strings of the instrument made the melody sound haunting, as the notes rang as clear as a bell on the crisp evening breeze.  Vanyel lost himself in the music, slipping into a half-dream world.

Stefen came silently out onto the walk, and simply stood listening to the music.  The tune was sad and sweet, reminding him of the sorrow of losing someone close to you.  He was amazed by Vanyel's ability.  He knew that the Herald had some Bardic Gift, but he had not been trained as a Bard, but as a Herald, once Yfandes had Chosen Vanyel.

Finally, the music died away, the last notes echoing in the air around them.  Stefen glanced over the railing of the walk and saw Yfandes, Savil, and Kellan all still in the orchard listening to the fading music.  Turning back towards Vanyel, he saw that the older man had his eyes closed, apparently not wanting to break the spell of the music that he had been playing.

"Vanyel?" Stefen asked cautiously.  At the sound of his name, Vanyel's eyes snapped open and he whipped his head around to look at Stefen.  Stefen wanted to shrink back at the glare he got from Vanyel, but he held himself upright, not wanting to show Vanyel that he was uncertain about being here.

Vanyel, however, must have sensed his apprehension with his Empathic powers, and he relaxed a little.  "I'm sorry Stefen, I just wasn't expecting to see you.  I thought that I had asked to be alone tonight."

"You did, Van, but I was talking to Savil, and she told me that tonight was Sovvan-night and you were mourning for someone named Tylendel, and that he died 17 years ago tonight.  She told me that it was your story and that it wouldn't be right for her to tell it to me.  She and Yfandes both agreed that if I wanted to know I should ask you, so I decided to come up here and see if you wanted to talk about it."

Vanyel stared at him silently for a moment. _:'Fandes?  You and Savil are behind this? :_

Her reply was prompt and clear.  _: Yes Ke'chara.  Stefen was right when he said that you are always so melancholy tonight.  It will do you good to talk about it.  When Tashir made you talk about it, you realized that you had been being obsessive.  Tell Stefen the story, beloved.  It can only do you good and strengthen your relationship. : _

"All right Stefen.  I will tell you about Tylendel.  It is an extremely painful subject for me, but I can tell you the story if you will bear with me."

"I really want to know, Van.  Tell it however it will make you comfortable.  I am here for you, and I want to get closer to you."

Vanyel stared out at the twilit evening sky.  For long moments, he was silent, his face an unreadable mask.  Stefen sat patiently knowing that this was a very difficult subject for his lover.

"All of this started here, at Forst Reach, when I was sixteen.  I was desperately unhappy, because my father didn't understand my love of music and my desire to be a Bard.  I was forced to learn sword work under Jervis' bullying hands.  My father and Jervis didn't seem to realize that there were more than one way to fight, and the style I was learning didn't fit my build.  So my older sister Lissa, who was my protector, started helping me work out a new style of evasive fighting that seemed to be better suited to me.

My father decided to send Lissa to foster at the home of a noble who was trying to train ladies into officer positions in the Guard.  I was desperate to go with her and escape from under Jervis' thumb and be able to get away from my responsibilities as first-born son.  I made an attempt to show Father that there were more than one ways to fight, using my new technique in a sparring match with my cousin Radevel.  I was winning when Jervis interrupted us, and took Rad's place and fought me with his hack-and-bash method while I used my new technique.  I managed to score on him a few times, and I made him mad.

He forced me to arm up and fight in his style.  He knocked me to the ground six times and when I tried to yield he refused to accept it.  On the sixth time, I couldn't get up, and in anger, he hit my shield arm with a full out blow.  The force of the blow not only split my shield but he broke my arm.

By the time that I healed up, Lissa had already left for Lord Corey's holding, and my last refuge was gone.  I continued to hide from Jervis and his practices.  Until…"

Vanyel's voice trailed off for a moment.  There was old pain in his face, and he was obviously working through some painful memories.  Stefen sat patiently, waiting for Vanyel to continue.  Finally, with a heavy sigh, the Herald continued his tale.

"I was hiding in a small room behind the library, when I overheard my father and mother coming into the library.  I didn't want them to know about my hiding place, so I stayed absolutely quiet.  Father told Mother that he couldn't make me into a man, and neither could Jervis.  He decided to send me to foster in Haven, with my Aunt Savil.

I was devastated by this new development.  I had only met Savil once, and she had seemed to me to be an extremely disagreeable old hag.  However there was nothing that I could do to get out of the trap that my father had set up for me.

I left the next morning and arrived a few days later in Haven.  I was escorted to Savil's quarters.  She proceeded then to let me know how things stood, and did so in no uncertain terms.

At the time, Savil was instructing three protégés, all of them Herald-trainees.  Two of them, a young man named Mardic, and a girl named Donni, were a lifebonded pair.   The third trainee was a young man named Tylendel."

Vanyel trailed off again, lost in his memories.   When he didn't speak again, Stefen ventured a question.  "Vanyel?  What did Tylendel look like?"

Vanyel sighed again.  "I'll show you, Stefen."  With that he closed his eyes, and as Stefen watched, a small column of light began to form, close to Vanyel, but between him and Stef, so that the Bard could get a good look at it.  Stefen continued to watch the light, and slowly it formed into the figure of a man, and then details began to appear.  Golden-brown, wavy hair, clear brown eyes, square chin and high cheekbones, and the body of a fighter or a dancer.  The mouth was generous and gave the impression of being able to laugh or smile at any time, and strong shoulders, with gentle hands.  A moment later, Vanyel opened his eyes, and sighed again.  Stefen looked at his bondmate's face and saw old pain in the depth of Vanyel's luminous silver eyes.  A moment later, Vanyel seized control of his emotions and his face was blank of any sign of what he was feeling.

"This is Tylendel, Stef.  This was my first true love."  Vanyel said, only his voice betraying how hard this was for him.

"Did you guys become lovers right away?"  Stefen asked.

"No.  I had led a very sheltered life, and I didn't even know that it was possible for two members of the same sex to be lovers.  My father was afraid from the time that I was very young that I would end up fey, so he had issued orders that no hint of such possibilities would ever be revealed to me in any way.

When I arrived in Haven, I was determined to not care about anything, thinking that if I didn't care about anything, I couldn't be hurt again.  Tylendel was always kind to me, even when I was rude to him, and finally, his kindness won through my barriers and one night I finally admitted to him that I loved him.

From that moment on, we were inseparable, but outside of Savil's quarters, we had to pretend that we still didn't care at all about each other.  In fact, we staged a fight at one point to keep people from suspecting the true depth of our relationship.  I thought that we would be together forever, but Fate had other plans.

Tylendel had a twin, named Staven.  They had a formidable mind link, for twins.  Staven was the older of the two by about an hour.  Tylendel's family was involved in a blood-feud with another family, the Leshara.  Savil had been trying to get Tylendel to remain neutral in the feud, but he was insisting on remaining loyal to Staven.    
  


One night we were in a small pine grove in Companion's Field, with Gala, Tylendel's Companion.  We were just talking, and suddenly, Tylendel began to scream Staven's name.  His Mage-powers erupted, and he began to convulse.  I was doing my best to hold him down and keep him from injuring himself.  The force of the energy that he was generating destroyed the entire grove.  When it subsided, Tylendel had gone into backlash-shock from all of the energy pouring through his body.

Savil and two other Heralds came pounding up on their Companion's, and Savil told me that Tylendel's powers had gone out of control at the exact moment that someone assassinated Staven.  Because of the mind link between Staven and 'Lendel, 'Lendel had felt Staven's death.  Gala had gotten all of this through her link with her Chosen.

I spent two days next to 'Lendel's bed, trying to talk him out of the shock.  Finally it worked, but the Tylendel that came out of the shock wasn't the same 'Lendel that I knew.  He seemed, almost possessed by something.  He told me that Staven's last request had been for him to claim revenge on the Leshara, because they were the ones who had ordered the assassination of Staven.  I agreed to help with the plans for revenge, because I wanted my 'Lendel back.

I snuck into Savil's room one day and swiped to proscribed books of magic spells and the like for Tylendel.  He couldn't, because the books were protected against anyone with an active Mage-gift.  My Mage-Gift was not active at the time; I only had the potential to become a mage.

On Sovvan-night, the two of us crept out of quarters while everyone else was celebrating Harvestfest, or attending the Sovvan-night rituals.  I had bought us two rundown nags to use, since we obviously couldn't get Gala's help for what we were planning.  We rode a fair distance away from Haven, and then, somehow, 'Lendel borrowed my energies to create a Gate to the Leshara holding.  We have never been able to duplicate what he did since then.  It may be that you have to be lifebonded to someone with mage-potential to pull it off.

We arrived in the Leshara gardens, where they were celebrating Harvestfest.  Tylendel now used his own mage powers and summoned a pack of five creatures to kill the Leshara.  I later learned that they were called _wyrsa. They resemble a cross between a coursing-hound and a snake._

The creatures made one kill, when Gala came thundering through the Gate.  I wasn't entirely lucid at the time, because my energy had and was being drained by the Gate.  Gala…"

Vanyel stopped as his voice broke.  Before Stef could ask what Gala had done, he continued.  "She challenged the _wyrsa, and when 'Lendel tried to stop her, she turned to him and said ':__ I do not know you, you are not my __Chosen:'. I heard her through my link with 'Lendel.  Gala broke their bond and attacked the __wyrsa, and they pulled her down and killed her._

Tylendel was distraught.  He just sat on the ground caressing her head, as the _wyrsa moved towards the Leshara again.  Then Savil, Lancir, and Jaysen arrived and they banished the creatures back to wherever 'Lendel had summoned them from._

Savil and Jaysen got us back through the Gate, while Lancir stayed behind to deal with the Leshara.  As they took down the Gate, they backlashed it into me, and that forced my dormant Gifts open to their widest extent.  Tylendel took advantage pof their distraction to run for it.  I watched as in grief and hopelessness, he flung himself from the Bell tower."

Vanyel sobbed a moment, reliving that horrifying moment, in his mind, before he continued.  His voice was broken, and trembling.  "I was ready to die at that point.  The only thing that saved me from dying of a broken bond, was the fact that when my Gifts were blasted open, Yfandes knew and she came and Chose me.  Her bonding with me saved my life that night."

Vanyel stopped speaking again.  The illusion of Tylendel had shattered when Vanyel began speaking of Tylendel's suicide.  Stefen sat quietly, waiting for Vanyel to regain control.  When Vanyel turned away from the railing and sat down in one of the chairs, his head bowed, Stefen felt brave enough to speak.

"Vanyel that has got to be one of the saddest stories that I have ever heard.  I can't believe that you have lived this long with that pain, and not shared it with anyone.  I would have thought that you would be all broken up inside by now."

"No _ashke.  It isn't usually this bad.  Time has eased the pain for me, but Sovvan-night is always the worst night of the year for me because I can't help but remember the night that 'Lendel died.  I usually try to switch duties with someone.  As long as I am working, I can't remember.  Out here, though, there is nothing for me to do but remember."_

"What was that song that you were playing earlier?  I have never heard it before, and I'm the Bard."

"I don't know it either, Stef.  I must have made it up."

"Could you play it again?  It was so beautiful, and I saw Savil, 'Fandes, and Kellan all listening to it quite intently."

Vanyel nodded and picked up his instrument again.  After one false start, the beautiful melody rang clearly out in the night air.  The notes were like silver bells, chiming in a breeze.  As he played, Vanyel simply stared at Stefen.  Finally he spoke again.

"Stefen, I am sorry, but I think that you should know that sometimes, tonight especially, when I see you, I see Tylendel.  I don't know why, but something about you reminds me of him."

"It's okay, Van-_ashke.  I'm sure that once you lose a love, it is hard to find another.  It probably feels like you're betraying his memory somehow, right?"_

"That's it exactly, Stef.  It is totally illogical, I suppose, because I do love you, but I don't know…"

"It's an emotional response, Van.  I am not at all offended, especially tonight, and especially now that I know what happened between you and 'Lendel."

That sat in silence a while longer as Vanyel continued to play, and finally, Stefen began to sing softly under his breath.  The music stopped almost instantly.  Stefen looked up in startlement.  Vanyel was staring at him, with an odd expression on his face.  "What were you doing, Stefen?"

"Singing," the Bard replied.  "I have all three Gifts, Vanyel.  It is my Creative Gift working.  I usually sing and make up words to any melody I don't know, because I enjoy it.  Sometimes it gives me a good idea for a future work."

"Sing it again while I play, Stefen.  I couldn't quite make out the words."

"Okay, but it is about Tylendel and you.  What gave me the idea was how you said when you see me you see Tylendel sometimes."

"I don't mind, Stefen.  Please sing it."

As Vanyel started over again, Stefen waited for a good point to begin singing, then he sang with all of his Bardic Gift going into the words and the melody.

_When I look at you_

_What I always see_

_Is the face of someone else_

_Who once belonged to me_

_Still I can hear him laugh_

_And even though that memory plays on_

_He's gone_

_When I look at you_

_He is standing there_

_I can almost breathe him in_

_Like summer in the air_

_Why do you smile his smile?_

_That heaven I'd forgotten eases through_

_In you_

_If you could look at me once more_

_With all the love you felt before_

_If you and I could only dance into the past_

_And find that love we knew_

_I'd never take my eyes away from you_

_When I look at you_

_He is touching me_

_I would reach for him_

_But who can hold a memory_

_And love isn't everything_

_This moonlight on the bed will melt away_

_Someday_

_Oh you were once that someone_

_Who I followed like a star_

_Then suddenly you changed_

_And now I don't know who you are_

_Or could it be_

_That I never really knew you from the start?_

_Did I create a dream?_

_Was he a fantasy?_

_Even a memory is paradise_

_For all the fools like me_

_Now remembering is all that I can do_

_Because I miss him so…_

_When I look at you_

As Stefen's voice trailed off, Vanyel wound the song to a conclusion.  Tears streamed down his cheeks, and he was shaking as the power of the Bard's voice faded away.  That was the Bardic Gift, the ability to make someone feel what the singer wanted, through music.  Stefen had poured all the love and heartbreak he could into the words of the song, and it had touched the Herald's heart, eliciting this emotion from him.

All he could do was stare at Stefen for a few moments before he croaked out, "Thank

you _ashke.  That was beautiful and touching.  You Gift is truly powerful, and made that_

song more than it would ever be if I had come up with words for it."

"I'm glad that you liked it, Van.  I hope that I didn't hurt you by making you talk about

Tylendel.  I really wanted to know."

"It is alright, Stef.  I needed to talk about it, especially tonight.  Thank you _ke'chara."_

Privately, Stef thought that he was glad that Savil and Yfandes had been right about what

Vanyel had needed.  Without their encouragement he would have never asked Vanyel

about his past. /Thank you Savil.  And you too, Yfandes.  Now I know what I needed to

know. /

Author's notes:  Once again, forgive me for being so long winded but I had to get Van's story out there, because I think it is a very sad love story, even though I don't go in for all those same-sex pairings.  I hope you guys like this, and please drop me a review!  This is my first attempt at a Mercedes Lackey fic!


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